What to Do When Flooded

Erin Dierickx |

It is not uncommon to become emotionally flooded during conflict with a partner. Without steps to respond to it, emotional injuries can occur. Developing a ritual with your partner around flooding can provide a reliable way to navigate these challenging moments.

Develop a Ritual

Consider the following steps to plan with your partner while both of you are calm and not in conflict:

  1. Provide a stop signal: Discuss a stop signal when you're in a neutral or positive state. Avoid bringing this up during conflict.
  2. Stop all interaction when the signal is given. Even if one partner wants to continue, it's best to halt the conversation to avoid further emotional damage.
  3. Separate for 20-30 minutes to self-soothe. Establish a check-in time—whether in 30 minutes, 2 hours, or at dinner. This ensures both partners understand the conversation will continue, and it validates feelings that need revisiting.
  4. Practice self-soothing: Engage in activities that effectively distract you and help you return to a calm state. This might include:
  5. Re-engage and repair: If the conversation is not revisited, unresolved issues may build up over time. Re-engage with statements like “I’m sorry I got upset. Are you ready to talk?” or “I’m feeling calmer and ready to discuss. How about you?”

If neither of you are ready, set a new time to check back in. This communication reinforces the importance of the issue, acknowledges the need for space, and paves the way for a healthier discussion later.

Returning to the Conversation

Naming emotional flooding is crucial, but so is processing conflict or finding a resolution. Leaving an argument without clarity can lead to long-term resentment. Consider couples therapy to process past fights or carefully create a ritual that ensures both partners feel cared for, even when emotions run high.


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