We cannot move past an argument or even begin solving our issues until all sides have felt heard. Often, we enter a conflict ready to persuade the other person that we are right. But in reality, both perspectives can be valid. Acknowledging this is the first step toward moving forward and connecting.

Common Causes of Recurring Conflict

Recurring arguments often happen because neither party feels truly heard. It’s frustrating to share your side only to be dismissed or ignored. Before moving forward, both parties must meet each other where they are.

Ground Rules for Difficult Conversations

Consider these points before entering a recurring argument:

1. Clarify the conversation’s purpose. Are you trying to persuade the other person or genuinely understand their perspective? The former will likely lead to another unresolved conversation.
2. Ensure both parties are calm and ready to engage. If not, take a break and revisit the conversation later.
3. Enter with curiosity and an open mind. This allows for deeper understanding and might reveal details you didn’t know.
4. Take turns speaking and listening.
5. Address escalation with statements like, “I’m feeling upset, can we take a break?” or “I’m not feeling understood, here’s what I need you to know.”

Role of the Speaker

The speaker’s responsibility is to approach the conversation kindly and describe events objectively. It’s helpful to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements:

• “I felt hurt when you said…”
• “I saw you do…”
• “I heard you say…”

Focusing on feelings about the situation helps shift the conversation.

Role of the Listener

The listener must focus on clarifying the other person’s experience without defensiveness. Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What was that like for you?”
• “What did you mean when you said…?”

Once the speaker feels fully heard, only then can the listener become the speaker.

Does This Really Work?

Yes, this method can work. It’s based on the research of Anatol Rapoport, a conflict resolution expert. His work, along with approaches like the Gottman Method, shows that conflict management is possible when both parties feel understood. I've seen this approach succeed in therapy sessions when ground rules are established and practiced consistently.

Breaking the Cycle

If you find yourself in a recurring pattern of conflict, this method may be the key to breaking the cycle. If needed, consider having a counselor or [therapist](https://www.erindtherapy.com/2021/07/28/why-couples-therapy-is-underr