What is flooding?

Emotional flooding is a physiological response, often related to conflict. Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) occurs when we become flooded. This means our heart rate may increase to over 100 beats per minute, stress hormones are released, and we move into fight, flight, or freeze mode. It becomes overwhelming, making it practically impossible to listen to our partner's perspective.

Why is it important?

Dr. John Gottman’s research on the physiological response in partners before, during, and after a conflict shows that much more is happening under the surface than we realize. Flooding occurs as a physiological response to perceived danger, and it is out of our control. It’s our body’s way of protecting us from what it believes to be risky or even fatal.

Though our minds may know the difference, our bodies sometimes don’t. This could be tied to past conflict experiences or specific trauma responses. Discussing these factors with your partner, possibly in couples therapy, can be helpful. Moreover, learning how to self-soothe builds awareness of our bodily experience and allows us to respect ourselves and our partners during conflict.

Although flooding is uncontrollable, it can still negatively impact relationships by leading to shutting down, lashing out, or avoiding communication. Effective communication cannot happen when one or both partners are flooded. Flooding invites the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. These behaviors sabotage communication and lead to disconnection between partners.

Catching the early signs of flooding can help de-escalate conflict and get your body back to normal. Understanding how you experience flooding and how to respond can prevent emotional injury.

How do you experience flooding?

If you can name it, you can tame it. To take care of yourself when you are flooded, first notice how it manifests in your body. Ask yourself the following:

1. What happens in my body when I start to shut down or feel overwhelmed in a conversation? Does my heart rate increase or decrease? Sweaty palms? Tension in the chest or a knot in the stomach?
2. Is it difficult to think clearly about what to say next? Is it tempting to slip away and stop engaging?
3. Do I feel like I have a lot to say, but none of it will come out right or kindly?
4. When do I usually become flooded? During conflict? Is it triggered by a certain phrase or tone?

What's next?

Once you’ve explored how you experience flooding, you’ll have more information to communicate with your partner. You can share what’s happening to you and express your needs. It might sound like, “I’m feeling flooded and need a break. Can we revisit this in an hour?”

Developing a ritual with your partner to pause interactions, communicate needs, self-soothe, and repair afterward can set both of you up for success. You can find the steps to create this ritual here.

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