One of the most common questions in couples therapy is: How do we fight fair? Below are some frequently asked questions and practical advice on how to approach conflict, reduce emotional harm, and foster deeper connections.

Is fighting good for a relationship?

Conflict—especially nonviolent communication—is a healthy, inevitable part of any relationship. It means couples are leaning into tough conversations and addressing important matters that affect their relationship. Disagreement, when managed well, can even be a source of connection. It offers partners the chance to understand each other better, communicate needs, and strengthen their bond.

How often should arguments happen?

It's not about how often you fight, but how you handle the fights that matters. Even if you argue frequently, it doesn't necessarily harm the relationship—if you handle it in a way that fosters connection and understanding. However, unresolved conflict, even from a single fight, can cause emotional distance and erode the relationship over time.

What happens when couples DON’T argue?

Avoiding conflict altogether can lead to unexpressed feelings and unmet needs, potentially building up resentment. Over time, this may cause partners to withdraw, reducing interaction and intimacy. While fewer arguments might seem like a positive, it often comes at the cost of emotional connection—leading to an increased risk of separation or divorce.

What are some rules for fighting better?

1. Avoid the Four Horsemen

Dr. John Gottman identified four destructive behaviors that sabotage healthy communication during conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These can be devastating to a relationship, with contempt being the most harmful.

To fight fair, use "I statements" to express your feelings and needs without assigning blame. For example:

"I felt hurt when you didn’t kiss me goodbye this morning. I’d love for us to give each other a hug or kiss before leaving for the day."

This kind of statement focuses on your emotions and needs, without slipping into criticism.

2. Kick Out Contempt

Never mock, yell, or demean your partner. Contempt is especially toxic and can take a long time to repair. Gottman found that contempt was the strongest predictor of divorce among couples he studied.

3. Repair as Much as Possible

Repairs are like signposts that redirect conflict toward productive resolution. Use repair attempts like:

• "I feel blamed—can you rephrase that?"
• "I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a break and come back when I’m calmer?"
• "I’m starting to understand your side."

These simple but powerful phrases help guide the conversation back to healthy communication. Just remember, tone matters—a kind tone can make all the difference.

When should couples consider therapy?

Sooner rather than later. Many couples wait years before seeking therapy, often when one or both partners are already emotionally checked out. If you notice any of the following, it may be time to consider therapy:

1. We have frequent, unresolved conflict.
2. I feel less close to my partner than before.
3. My partner seems distant.
4. Our interests have changed, and we’re struggling to connect.
5. We barely interact outside of household logistics.
6. A major life event (marriage, a diagnosis, a new child, a family death) has changed our relationship, and we don’t know how to adapt.

No matter where you are in your relationship—whether it’s brand new or decades old—it’s never too late to learn the tools for effective communication. Therapy is a space to gain insight into what makes your relationship work.