Bids for Connection

Much like bidding at an auction, a bid within a relationship is an offer for connection. It’s a reach for acknowledgment, reassurance, or validation. While this article focuses on partners, bids are also common in families, friendships, and communities.

What Do Bids Look or Sound Like?

Bids can be:

• Verbal or nonverbal
• Small or grand
• Direct or indirect

Examples:

• A touch on the shoulder while passing in the hallway
• A simple comment like “Wow, look at that goat!” while driving by a farm
• Asking someone on a date or offering a gift

These small moments are the building blocks of connection. They boost our emotional bank accounts and help during times of need or conflict. Research shows that for every negative interaction, five positive interactions are needed to maintain a healthy relationship, especially during tough conversations.

How Do We Respond to Bids?

When someone offers a bid, they’re essentially asking, “Do you see me?” The way we respond matters deeply.

There are three types of responses:

1. Turning toward: Accepting the bid with a positive or neutral response (e.g., “I hear you”).
2. Turning away: Ignoring or dismissing the bid, reducing the chance for further interaction.
3. Turning against: Responding with hostility or contempt, which shuts down the interaction.

Example Scenarios

In the Car:

• Partner A: "Oh, I like this song!"
  • Turning toward: "Let’s turn it up!" or "Huh, cool."
  • Turning away: "Ugh, I hate this song. Can we skip it?"
  • Turning against: "You have terrible taste in music."

In the Hallway:

• Partner A touches Partner B’s shoulder in passing.
  • Turning toward: Smile or touch back.
  • Turning away: Ignore the touch and keep walking.
  • Turning against: "Don’t touch me, I’m in a hurry!"

Each response carries weight. A bid requires vulnerability, and our choice in responding either strengthens or weakens the connection.

Why Do Bids Matter?

Even though they’re small, bids add up. When partners consistently turn away or against each other’s bids, the interaction may eventually disappear, weakening the relationship.

• Successful couples turn toward bids 86% of the time.
• Couples who turn toward bids only 33% of the time are more likely to be divorced within 5 years.

By consistently offering and receiving bids, you can build trust, satisfaction, and connection.

What to Do Next?

Want to improve your connection? Start by recognizing the bids you and your partner already offer. Reflect on these questions:

1. What bids do I offer my partner?
2. Which bids do they respond to, and which ones are missed?
3. What bids does my partner offer me? (Ask them if you’re unsure!)
4. How can we repair things when a bid is missed?

By becoming aware of these small moments, they’ll become habitual and lead to greater happiness in your relationship.

“It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.” — Gandalf

Offer more bids, notice more bids, and watch your connections grow.

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